sleepsymphonic

I just saw DiG. The documentary about Brian Jonestowne Massacre and the Dandy Warhols. Twas decent. Except that essentially both bands made shitty music (except that the Dandy Warhols have a sorta tongue in cheek vibe to them, and seem like pretty cool individuals... BJM are just completely oblivious of their unimportance to... anything really).

But it makes me think about what I truly want as a musician right now. I haven't done much for myself as a musician... I've always been a supplier... like "hey you need a guitarist?" or "you need a bassist?" I'm the guy to do it. I love playing out. I love exploring band dynamics, musical dynamics, or essentially anything that has to do with music... except that right now... I don't feel like being in a band, I feel like locking myself in my cellar and writing my brains out. Although right now I can't (well, I can... but I can't dedicate all my brains and energy towards it... and i'm one of those 100% dedicated fuckers). I'm in the Rain Design, and despite the fact that I've never really declared any allegiance to the Rain Design, I'm not one to give up my duties so easily as a guitarist, for I truly respect Kozak as a musician and most of all one of my best friends. I think I just need some me time. Some ego time. I've spent so many years downplaying my ego... its there, but I never talk about it. I take a lot of commands and I accept it because I just don't want to be a stick in the mud. And like... I forgot how to write. And despite the fact that I don't really care for much that I do... the more that I do it, the more I improve. Or the more I will at least be able to do things to my own liking.

Well, I must get to bed. I have to get up and head up to Noho and hang with Christen and flyer the town.

Peace
Bard

saw Four Tet tonight. fantastic show.

congrats to ben for disconnecting himself from the internet world.

I'm not too far behind.


-Bard

The sign of a good summer is a good week full o' shows...
Just saw DoMakeSayThink ... willickers.

next is Four Tet (thursday)

then its Yo La Tengo (saturday)

Hooray for music!

Its 2:07 AM. Katie's upstairs sleeping, my brother who just got home from Florida a few days ago and is rooming in our living room is upstairs and I'm in my basement. I'm reading Chuck Palahniuk's "Choke"... quite an amazing book so far, filled to the brim with cinicism and lots of sex. I just think its kind of ironic that my brother is watching porn while I'm reading a book of similar events... just different interpretations. I think we're one and the same. I am a modern day Buddha.

really really creepy (probably the creepiest fucking thing I've seen in my entire life):


http://ohio.esorn.net/ICWAgencySite.dll/OffenderDetails?OfndrID=62569

equally as creepy involving the same person: http://homepage.mac.com/aleksivic/.Pictures/Brian/knightrider.jpg

and if you don't believe it to be true... evidence to creep you out even more: http://www.snopes.com/photos/people/peppers.asp

wow. I've seen tubgirl, goatze, and assorted disturbing/disgusting fetishes but nothing is like this man who will haunt my dreams forever.

I got back from Florida two days ago, surviving a 24 hour drive with my beautiful and wonderful girlfriend, Katie Malia... strangely enough, we weren't at each others throats... except when I let out a huge burp in Shoney's, which was somewhat appropriate since it appears to be endorsed by Jeff Foxworthy. But over all it was a fantasmic trip. We went to Epcot and Magic Kingdom. Saw my aunt and uncle in Sarasota... drove by the ol' trailer park I used to stay at with my nana and papa. Hooked up with my brother and my cousin Scotty for a pizza delight and did a fuckload of driving.

Now I'm suffering from that "lag"... not jet lag, but the lag of being crammed in a vehicle for like 20-24 hours straight.

I want to be doing things creatively but my body is all "eh eh"... Katie left a few hours ago (we watched Dead Man by Jim Jarmusch) and I went up to the space to play my guitar for a bit (which felt pretty good, since its been about a week or so since I've touched a stringed instrument). I need to be doing more stuff with my friends, I feel severely imbalanced as far as a collaborate level with my friends and music. Even though music has taken a forefront in my life right now, its almost being put on the backburner. something is happening which is not happening at all.

my mind is blank and I can't form one cohesive thought. I can't read for longer than 5 minutes.

but the sex is great.






Yes and no are just distingurish by
distinction, so we choose the in-between.
Give up your books and put and end
to your worries. Enjoy central park in the spring.
Our minds are empty, like we're too young
to know to smile.
We know to fear what others fear
is nonsense, right?

The books suggest we set our hearts
on doing nothing
and then nothing's left undone.
Everybody's busy waiting for the go-ahead,
but by then their heads are gone.
Our minds are empty, grave as well as
strange. (take this.)
We know to seek success is utter nonsense.
The best is to be blank.

(Here we are. Here we are
We are the antici-there it is. There it is.)
-The Books




I started organizing my CD collection for some sorta of clarity. I have a lot of shit that I think is about time to get rid of.

Bah. I'm boring. I haven't done much creatively in quite a while. Yea, I need to change that.

Last night I had a dream that a comet hit the moon and gravity expanded like a rubber band... the moon pushed out and then pushed back in full force... landing on the Earth. I never made it to the underground shelter.

Yea. I had one of those god damn survey things ALLLLLLLLL filled out until some fucking pop up just came and swiped it all away DAMN YOU MICROSOFT!

I haven't seen a good lot of my friends in quite some time. I know I could go out right now and venture out and find them easily but I don't mind the solitude. Its been about a good 2 weeks since I saw the lot of them all at once at a party, making sure that Bundy doesn't fall into a trash barrel, making with Kozak, Nate, Cora and whoever joins the orgy, all in this one kids room. Despite the fact that I haven't seen a good chunk of my friends in a while I hear that they're being... a lil' self destructive... or in general just fucking up. Even some of my closest. Its strange... there's been a lot of break ups, there's been a lot of change of hearts, and it seems to be happening at once. Some of it is very very surprising. Those who I always thought as invincible in terms of "rocking the boat"... have found themselves in situations where they've fucked up MISERABLY. I'm not in anyway disappointed because I know its all some sorta crazy cosmic happening that enables LIFE to continue on in the demented lesson learning force that it is. I feel for my friends though.

Anyways... I'm feeling better... I was sick for a good week. I have no clue what I had. At first I thought it was allergies but then it went on and on and went past the symptoms that are alergies... but it brought down my overall exuberence that I had... well now its the end of winter its spring and I'm gaining back my energy, so I'll be out more... I think.

A few weeks ago I declared that I officially hate winter. But when I think back I don't know why I've ALWAYS hated winter. This winter has been a piece of cake. Most winters I'm a big ball of emotional wreckage... and I hid it well for a few years. But now I'm going through the winter a happy camper. I never really complained how fucking cold it is out there... but fuck, its fucking cold out there. I mean I even whipped out the emo scarf for a few weeks. I guess usually my mind is festering on the lil downs that the winter brings.

Here's a piece of openess that I don't mind sharing on the endless informative internet: I am completely and utterly in love with Katie...

... and her utters.

even more things that made me survive the winter:
10. Snuff porn
11. beating off to snuff porn
12. cleaning up

Good night to um... yea good night

1. Katie
2. The Microphones - Mt. Eerie
3. quitting Walgreens
4. Pilgrim Candle
5. Sirrr/Rain Design
6. Metal Gear Solid 3
7. Converge - You Fail Me
8. Anything from the Clash
9. new lil' puppy


tis it for now.

This rebuilding period has been intense.

And so it continues.

 

 

Last night I dreamt that I went to hell and hell was filled with nymphos who all wanted to suck my cock.

Sunday. I normally hate Sundays, because they are an end to the weekend. I normally have to work... but today... I got to play music all day. sirrr finished up the basic tracks for our 3 song single thingamajig. YAY!

Memories were triggered. and flowed.

"when the head splits, it will be a flower" - Salvador Dahli

Yesterday, we (sirrr) recorded a song in a little garage out in the boondies of Westfield with our friend Chris Fortin as engineer. It took about 5-6 hours to set up everything and then about 2 to record just one song. I was worn down for some reason, I think it was because it was such a beautiful spring day and my allergies started to kick in. For the most part I was ready but a little into the session I started feeing like shit. My throat was raw as hell (and I'm sure the cigarettes didn't help). The recording came out great, especially the drums, which reminds me of a Failure song. So I was all happy. We recorded "200 Miles Behind Us" which clocked in about 10 minutes. Tomorrow we record 2 songs... "Mom Says Hi" and "Picture Thanks You For Love In Its Print"... hopefully these recordings will be used as a single/ep sort of thing. sirrr is long overdue.

Right now I have no ambition to do anything, I'm ready to quit school, regardless of how much time I have left... which is merely a few months. I just want to write music. I saw Thurston Moore the other day at our school, and he was asked by one of the professors what kind of jobs he worked before Sonic Youth broke it "big"... and Thurston answered that he did the shit jobs but that the nature of being a musicians was wanting to play music ALL the time. That's precisely where I'm at right now. After years of not focusing on my insides, my guts, my heart, my whatever... I've actually tapped into it to where I want to write all the time, to where I'm comfortable with what I write (for once), and I can finally acknowledge and channel what I'm feeling into musical notations. It's taken me quite a long time... because I've always been doubtful of myself. Right now I just want to write music. Of course I'm writing in a live journal completely ignoring both my schoolwork and music... mainly because well... I left my headphones up in Westfield... and as shitty as an excuse that sounds like... I needs those phones. And schoolwork... always waits till the last minute.

Such is life.

I'll try to hesitate from turning this into bad poetry fest.

this is my livejournal i now exist on the internet i figured what the hell i'm on the internet quite a while and i don't really do much while i'm on it so i figure i might as well take advantage and distribute my wealth and my consciousness

my memories are now on display

hopefully something good will come out of this

i'll leave it at this for my first entry

good night